Anxiety Cubed

I’m home right now, not meeting a hero. I have two unmet living musical heroes & I am not going to meet them.

I made excuses to Shawn:

What if I say something stupid? What if I don’t say anything at all and look weird? I don’t like cameras, won’t he be offended if I don’t want a selfie? Plus how do I avoid everyone else’s cameras? I don’t have anything to wear, my clothes don’t fit right. My haircut is terrible. I don’t have many heroes left and want to keep him. What if he falls in love with me at first sight and the only resolution is a duel? What if I panic and say that, as a person with invisible eyebrows, I have always quite appreciated his eyebrow game? What if I wear Shalimar and he’s allergic to Shalimar and he dies?

But the fundamental reason is this (aside from the heroes thing): I’m an anxiety bomb over something as simple as getting the mail. I’m honestly afraid that, if I were ever to have a heart attack or a stroke, I’d be too embarrassed to call for help & incur the expense, in case I was wrong. In case I had to bother the dispatchers and care providers.

I wanted Shawn to enjoy his morning hanging out with an artist he loves. I didn’t want him to be distracted by concerns about my anxiety. Because he would worry, because he loves me.

So, I didn’t want to meet my hero, and I successfully did not meet him.

But I thought, since this is happening now, that it’s a good time to demonstrate how chronic anxiety can be a third party in a relationship. Fourth, if you also have depression. So when I consider going somewhere, doing something, I have to consider whether the Black Dog and Chev Chelios would also be welcome/tolerated by all involved.

That’s why Shawn met Ice Cube today and I stayed home and browsed for Chev gifs.

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2 thoughts on “Anxiety Cubed

  1. When it comes to this stuff, you kinda have to act counterintuitively, and force yourself to do that which you’d rather not do. Trust me, I know. I would not shit you, Bel.

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