Oh, so that’s real.


Also symptomatic and weird: I feel guilty writing, even though it’s my full-time job now.I feel like I’m getting away with something, like I’m having more fun that I deserve. It’s hard to relax into the imagining because it’s too much fun.

– Me, a few weeks ago

… yeah, that guilt over “fun” goes away really quickly when you sign a contract and and have two deadlines at the same time. In a month and a half.

“Fun” becomes “oh my blue hell, I have to be so very good, so very fast.”


Going There

I have been working on worldbuilding and plotting  a fantasy novel, with an eye toward a series. I’m really, really excited about it. It’s almost overwhelming, as I’ve never written a novel before, much less one of this scope, but the most overwhelming part is really how much is piling into my head.

For years, when strapped into The Office Job, I did everything I could to quash ideas. I drank. I took sleeping pills. I drowned out my thoughts with audiobooks while I was trying to fall asleep. I could not allow my mind the freedom to imagine because I had no time to actually write any of it down, and because I had to go to sleep so I could go back to the office every day and shave another piece off my soul.

So, when I settled into writing full-time, having ideas at all took some doing. I needed a long recovery period to undo all the de-imagination training I’d done on my brain. All the roadblocks, all the times I’d grit my teeth and tell myself to just stop thinking, had done damage.

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